Thursday, June 12, 2008

My Daddy

When I was younger, I thought my Daddy hung the moon.......I found out later he had not. My Daddy was a big part of my life when I was a little girl, but as I grew older he slowly started to disappear from my life day.....he was gone.

When I was younger I thought my Daddy was know....those kind of things that when you are little, seem like the funniest things you have ever seen, but when you get older you realize they are not funny at all. Maybe it is because I grew up and my Daddy did not.

I always tried to make excuses for my Daddy. I wanted so bad for him to be the Daddy that I needed.....but then I thought maybe it is me......maybe I am expecting too much......maybe not.

The night of my high school graduation, my Daddy left before I got my diploma. He told me before hand that he might not get to stay the whole time because he was leaving to go out on a run(he was a truck driver at that time)and he had to head out before my graduation was over with. I hugged him and said "that's ok Daddy, I understand". It hurt, but I understood that he had to work and make money. After graduation, all of my family went back to our house. I walked in the door....and there.....standing in bare feet drinking a Daddy. He had not left yet.....he could have stayed for my graduation.....but.....he didn't. I plastered a smile on my face and pretended it was ok. (remember....we had company).

My life has been filled with a lot of disappointment, when it comes to my Daddy. I used to think it was me, but as I got older I realized it was not me at all.My Daddy had things going on that prevented him from being that Daddy I needed.

After many years of pain and anguish, I finally came to the realization that I was never going to have the Daddy that I wanted to have. It is ok for me to love my Daddy and I do. It is true that there have been times that I have missed out on having a Daddy but, what I have missed is nothing compared to what he has missed out on. I hate this for him.

My Daddy has three children, seven grandchildren and three great grandchildren. He has missed out on the most important moments in his childrens lives. I don't think he has seen any of his grandchildren more that two or three times each(if that) and he has NEVER seen his great grandchildren.....I don't even know if he is aware that they exist.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how he is. Is he he he he thinking about me? (sigh) I love my Daddy and I truly do wish the best for him but, my Daddy is NOT a part of my life and that is the choice he made.

My life is wonderful and it is filled with many people who love me. Have I missed my Daddy? Of course I have. I miss the Daddy I used to have and hope and pray that one day, that Daddy will come back.

Fathers day is always a sad thing for me. It is a day of recognition for is the day....every year.....that makes me wish.....I had a my Daddy.

I pray that one day, my Daddy will come back into my life. That door is always open......all he has to do is step right on in.

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