Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Marriage Is Like A Pot of Soup

Today is the day that Me and Tim celebrate thirty years of marriage. Hard to believe we have been married that long! One thing I have learned about marriage is.....it is a lot like a good pot of home made soup!

You start out throwing in your main ingredients. Well, we all know that just throwing a couple of things in a pot doesn't make soup. You taste it and if it is not just right, you make adjustments. You may throw in a few spices to liven things up. You set it to simmer. Don't let it simmer too long though.......you have to stir it up every now and then. Don't set the heat to high or it will boil over or worse it will scorch. You don't want to have to throw it out and start over! You sometimes try to stick to a recipe but, we all know that sometimes you have to make it your own and not someones elses! With a lot of attention, patience, imagination and adjustment anyone can have a perfect pot of soup!

I will not sit here and pretend that our marriage is perfect. There is no such thing. We work at it every day. There have been times that we have almost wanted to give up but, we didn't. We knew that what we had was worth fighting for. We have learned to add the spices when needed. We have learned when to stir it, when to raise the heat and when to let it simmer for a while. Most of all, we have learned to add the right ingredients to make a marriage. A marriage that has made it through thirty years of happiness, heartache, joy, sorrow, laughter and at times confusion. In the end what we have is a house full of beautiful children, a perfect grandbaby and each other. Always each other! What more can we ask.......we have an almost perfect pot of soup!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Lost And Found

A little over four years ago, I lost a part of myself. I also found something that night and it is not something I wanted. On that night, I lost my joy and I found fear.

For those of you who know me, you know about that life changing night and there is no need for details. Just suffice it to say, it was the worst night of my life.

Laughter and joy have always been such a huge part of me and that night it went away. That part of me was lost and I did not know if I would ever get it back again.

That night I also found fear. A deep abiding fear. A fear that has become my constant companion. Without my joy, I wondered, would I be able to overcome the fear? At times the fear was so overwhelming, I could not breathe. I could feel it clawing at my throat and even devouring my soul.

Over the weeks and months, I found myself able to smile and even laugh but, I never felt like it reached my heart or my eyes. I often wondered if people could see that I was no longer me.

Over the years, I have gradually gained back pieces of me and most of the time I can keep the fear at bay. Sometimes, it still overtakes me and I feel like I am about to suffocate. When I get like that, I find myself withdrawing into myself and not allowing anyone in. I don't want anyone to see that fear......that evil, horrible fear.

My greatest joy was when I was with my kids and Tim. Even then, I could still feel a piece of me that just couldn't let go and open enough to feel that complete and utter joy! On November 22, 2011, I was able to watch as my first grandchild came into this world. As I saw that wonderful miracle appear, take his first breath and heard his first cry, I felt something loosen in my heart and spill out. That small piece of my heart, was suddenly filled with that complete utter joy that I had been looking for. That little bitty boy gave me back my joy, that thing that had been taken from me was given back!

Since his birth, I have felt peace and joy again. My laughter is back and it is the kind of laughter that comes from deep within. My heart is light again. I am able to enjoy everything in my life without guilt. I know now that I deserve to be happy.

While the fear is still there, it is not the biggest part of my life. The joy and laughter I have with my husband and kids helps to keep the fear at bay. While that night will ALWAYS be a part of me.....it is no longer WHO I am. I am the person who likes to joke around.....I am the person who can be serious when I need to be but, I am the person who would much rather be laughing. Mostly, I am the person I have been trying to be........and that is..........ME! What was one time lost, has been found! I have finally found ME!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Baby Turns Eighteen

On February 17th, 18 years ago, our baby girl was born. This is the child that we did not plan but, God thought we deserved her. That is why I have always called her our bonus baby. We had two perfect boys but, we got an extra treat.....We got Hayden!

 It is hard to believe that 18 years ago, we were so worried about our little girl. She was so very sick and we did not know if she was going to make it. I kept telling myself she was going to be fine and I just wish that it was 10 years or 15 years from now and this would all be a distant memory. Here we are 18 years later and yes, it is a distant memory.

Even back then, I made my way through life by keeping a journal. Back then, I had never even heard of an online blog.......I just wrote it all down on paper. This is a small passage from that time.

"I have done good in front of everyone, now I am in the car with Tim, praying my baby makes it to Montgomery alive. I feel so helpless. I have to cry. I am so scared. I know that God gave her to us for a reason and he won't take her away. I have complete trust but, I am still so scared."

Even after all these years, I can't read this journal without crying. When I read this, it takes me back 18 years ago. I am however so thankful, that all these years later. Our baby is a healthy beautiful young woman.

Hayden is artistic, funny, quirky and frankly just does her own thing. What other people think does not matter to her. She is true to herself and the values she has been taught.

She is loved by her brothers, has her Daddy wrapped around her finger and she is my joy! Hayden is loved and adored and she is secure in that love.

Happy 18th Birthday my beautiful, precious daughter! I love you!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

A Different Way Of Looking At Things

The other night, me and Tim where having a deep conversation. I realized at that time that the way we each look at life is so different in a lot of ways. Tim asked the question.....why do all these bad things keep happening to us? I ask him......why do all these GOOD things keep happening to us.

A little over four years ago I was very close to not being here any longer. Why I was spared, I don't know. I do know that I don't want to waste a second with what ifs and negative thoughts. While things in our lives are not perfect and yes we do face many challenges, hardships and heart ache, we also have so many happy, wonderful things that happen too.

I told Tim that he was dwelling on the bad things and those things are so small compared to the many good things that have happened to us. As I began to point out all the good things, he began to see what I was talking about.

We have three beautiful children, two new precious daughters and the most gorgeous new grand baby in the world. We have a home, good jobs, we are able to pay our bills and while we are far from being millionaires, we are able to do some things we enjoy without worry. Would I rather be a millionaire? Well duh! Who wouldn't? But, you know what......I am content. Isn't that a good thing?

We will always have challenges and rough spots but, we have each other. I will cry tears over the heartaches of my children, I will worry about them and it will hurt when I can't fix everything for them but, I will always love them and be there for them. There is nothing that we will ever face, that as a family, we can't overcome.

One of the most important things I have learned is to turn it all over to God. This is so hard to do and I am the worlds worst about turning it over to him and then trying to take it back. This is something I am working on.

I choose to live my life looking for the good. I choose to live it with humor. I also choose to live it with love.....lots and lots of love. In other words......I just choose to live a life of contentment!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Tim Nobody Knows

There is a Tim that nobody but those closest to him knows. Tim can come off as being standoffish and cold to some people. That is so far from the truth!

To give you a little back ground.....I met Tim for the first time when I was six years old, in the first grade, at Headland Elementary School! Back then he was known as Timmy. Actually, I called him Timmy until our oldest was a few years old. He came home one day and said "Don't call me Timmy......that is a kids name" Mmkay. If you ever hear anyone call him Timmy, you can bet they went to school with us.  Any way. We were friends all through school and did not start dating until November of our senior year.

All girls want that boy that is sweet and thoughtful but, there sure is something about a bad boy....you know what I mean? Well, with Tim, I got all of it rolled into one.

Tim is quiet and really kind of shy. He is not comfortable talking in front of a lot of people and especially people he is not close to. I guess this is why he comes off as being standoffish. Tim can be strong, unbending and tough when  he needs to be but, with us he is loving and caring. He has a tender heart even though he doesn't want people to know. Tim protects himself and his feelings by having that tough exterior. Tim doesn't show his emotions or show excitement but, I know him so well that I can see it in his face.

Do you see what I see?

Tim can drive me crazy at times.....he tells me all the time...."don't you put my picture on facebook"....and of course I always tell him I won't.....so don't tell on me! He likes to argue with me about stupid stuff just to see if he can get me riled up. I of course get back at him by aggravating the stew out of him. He complains about all of the dogs and having to take care of them but, he turns around and sneaks them food off his plate and lets them sit all over him in his chair.

Tim never wanted a daughter, I found out when our Hayden came along, it was because he knew he would turn to mush with her. Hayden, at almost eighteen years old, still sits in her Daddy's lap. They laugh and act silly together all the time.

When we were waiting for Clayton to arrive, I asked Tim, aren't you just a little bit excited? He said "I am very excited but, don't tell anyone, you might ruin my reputation!" He told me the other night "I sure do love that little booger.....he has my heart"

After all these years, he can still make me smile.......hearing his voice on the phone just makes my day and watching him walk in the door still makes my heart skip a beat. Watching him talk to our two boys and love on our daughter just melts me inside. He makes me laugh.......everyone needs to marry someone who makes them laugh!

The Tim I know is a loving Daddy and Husband. I just wish everyone could know the Tim I know!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

My New Grand Baby

Back a while back, I posted about the little detour in our lives. I have been very remiss about updating everyone on this detour!

Our little Clayton made his appearance on November 22nd! He is beautiful and perfect in every way. On that day, I watched so many people fall completely in love with this little one. He has brought a joy into our lives that I never thought possible.

While this wee one was a detour that we weren't expecting.......he has been the best detour we have ever taken! His Daddy along with friends and family, prepared a home for the three of them. His Mommy did every thing right to make sure he came into this world the way he was supposed to. While his Daddy's plans for school changed, he is now doing what he wanted to do most. He is now a fireman! Little Clayton's Mommy will start her school and new job in a few days.

As I said before, Our lives sometimes take detours that we have not planned but, we always end up exactly where we are supposed to be!

Welcome to our world Clayton Allen!