A little over four years ago, I lost a part of myself. I also found something that night and it is not something I wanted. On that night, I lost my joy and I found fear.
For those of you who know me, you know about that life changing night and there is no need for details. Just suffice it to say, it was the worst night of my life.
Laughter and joy have always been such a huge part of me and that night it went away. That part of me was lost and I did not know if I would ever get it back again.
That night I also found fear. A deep abiding fear. A fear that has become my constant companion. Without my joy, I wondered, would I be able to overcome the fear? At times the fear was so overwhelming, I could not breathe. I could feel it clawing at my throat and even devouring my soul.
Over the weeks and months, I found myself able to smile and even laugh but, I never felt like it reached my heart or my eyes. I often wondered if people could see that I was no longer me.
Over the years, I have gradually gained back pieces of me and most of the time I can keep the fear at bay. Sometimes, it still overtakes me and I feel like I am about to suffocate. When I get like that, I find myself withdrawing into myself and not allowing anyone in. I don't want anyone to see that fear......that evil, horrible fear.
My greatest joy was when I was with my kids and Tim. Even then, I could still feel a piece of me that just couldn't let go and open enough to feel that complete and utter joy! On November 22, 2011, I was able to watch as my first grandchild came into this world. As I saw that wonderful miracle appear, take his first breath and heard his first cry, I felt something loosen in my heart and spill out. That small piece of my heart, was suddenly filled with that complete utter joy that I had been looking for. That little bitty boy gave me back my joy, that thing that had been taken from me was given back!
Since his birth, I have felt peace and joy again. My laughter is back and it is the kind of laughter that comes from deep within. My heart is light again. I am able to enjoy everything in my life without guilt. I know now that I deserve to be happy.
While the fear is still there, it is not the biggest part of my life. The joy and laughter I have with my husband and kids helps to keep the fear at bay. While that night will ALWAYS be a part of me.....it is no longer WHO I am. I am the person who likes to joke around.....I am the person who can be serious when I need to be but, I am the person who would much rather be laughing. Mostly, I am the person I have been trying to be........and that is..........ME! What was one time lost, has been found! I have finally found ME!