Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Just Not Myself

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my back surgery and.......well......I  am just not myself......still. I am the type person that meets every obstacle head on. I don't let it get me down and I work hard to get back to where I want to be. THIS has gotten the best of me.

 I don't know why this is so different. Maybe part of it is because this is just not what I wanted. I think that even though I had two months to adjust to the fact that I HAD to have this surgery, I just could not mentally prepare myself for what was to come.

I fought this for as long as I could and when it came down to it, nothing I did mattered. I still had to have this surgery. I feel like I let myself down. Maybe I did not work hard enough or something......I just don't know.

I have always been a fighter.....always. I have always powered through regardless of the obstacle. I had three babies without any pain medication at all, I have suffered through injuries from an accident that included a dislocated shoulder, fractured back and my pelvic bone was fractured in three places and I fought my way to the other side. I just don't understand why this is so hard.

Granted, this is the worst pain I have ever been in and I also have the underlying fear that this may not fix it. I am just so tired. I also am having to do something that I hate more than anything and that is depend on others for just about everything. I despise that. Everyone keeps saying oh sit back and enjoy it......let them take care of you for a while........they just don't understand.......I don't enjoy it......at all. I am happiest when I am taking care of others and I am at my most miserable when I have to let others take care of me.

I have always been the caretaker......always. Even though my brother was only three years younger than me, I still watched over him and stepped in when I needed to. I was okay with that I love him so much and taking care of him makes me happy.

Then there is my sister. She was born when I was twelve and from the moment she was born, she was mine. I raised her. I took care of her and I was never more happy than when I was taking care of her. I have never resented it......ever. I loved it.....she was and still is my world.

Then you have my kids. I have always taken care of them. I wanted them to have a childhood full of fun. I have taught them to be responsible but, I have never dumped the weight of the world off on them. My happiest times are when I am doing things for my kids. My most miserable times is when I have to ask them to take care of me........I hate that.

Then there is Tim. He is being so good. He is washing clothes, shopping and taking care of me and I hate it. He is working twelve to fourteen hour days in the heat and them coming home to take care of me. It makes me miserable.

Today has not been a good day. I am tired of lying around. I can only sit in a hard chair straight up for thirty minutes at the time while wearing a brace. It is not a pleasure at all. I can't even sit or lie on the couch because it is too soft. I am stuck in the bedroom by myself with nothing to do. I have already read eight books and I am tired of reading. I want to be productive. I want to be a part of life again. I am just not myself right now.

I know that it will get better and I will look back at this post later and call myself a wienie and a whiner but, for now.......today.......this is the way I feel and frankly...........I AM JUST NOT MYSELF!!!!

No comments: