Just Not Myself

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my back surgery and.......well......I  am just not myself......still. I am the type person that meets every obstacle head on. I don't let it get me down and I work hard to get back to where I want to be. THIS has gotten the best of me.

 I don't know why this is so different. Maybe part of it is because this is just not what I wanted. I think that even though I had two months to adjust to the fact that I HAD to have this surgery, I just could not mentally prepare myself for what was to come.

I fought this for as long as I could and when it came down to it, nothing I did mattered. I still had to have this surgery. I feel like I let myself down. Maybe I did not work hard enough or something......I just don't know.

I have always been a fighter.....always. I have always powered through regardless of the obstacle. I had three babies without any pain medication at all, I have suffered through injuries from an accident that included a dislocated shoulder, fractured back and my pelvic bone was fractured in three places and I fought my way to the other side. I just don't understand why this is so hard.

Granted, this is the worst pain I have ever been in and I also have the underlying fear that this may not fix it. I am just so tired. I also am having to do something that I hate more than anything and that is depend on others for just about everything. I despise that. Everyone keeps saying oh sit back and enjoy it......let them take care of you for a while........they just don't understand.......I don't enjoy it......at all. I am happiest when I am taking care of others and I am at my most miserable when I have to let others take care of me.

I have always been the caretaker......always. Even though my brother was only three years younger than me, I still watched over him and stepped in when I needed to. I was okay with that I love him so much and taking care of him makes me happy.

Then there is my sister. She was born when I was twelve and from the moment she was born, she was mine. I raised her. I took care of her and I was never more happy than when I was taking care of her. I have never resented it......ever. I loved it.....she was and still is my world.

Then you have my kids. I have always taken care of them. I wanted them to have a childhood full of fun. I have taught them to be responsible but, I have never dumped the weight of the world off on them. My happiest times are when I am doing things for my kids. My most miserable times is when I have to ask them to take care of me........I hate that.

Then there is Tim. He is being so good. He is washing clothes, shopping and taking care of me and I hate it. He is working twelve to fourteen hour days in the heat and them coming home to take care of me. It makes me miserable.

Today has not been a good day. I am tired of lying around. I can only sit in a hard chair straight up for thirty minutes at the time while wearing a brace. It is not a pleasure at all. I can't even sit or lie on the couch because it is too soft. I am stuck in the bedroom by myself with nothing to do. I have already read eight books and I am tired of reading. I want to be productive. I want to be a part of life again. I am just not myself right now.

I know that it will get better and I will look back at this post later and call myself a wienie and a whiner but, for now.......today.......this is the way I feel and frankly...........I AM JUST NOT MYSELF!!!!

Fathers Day

What better day than Father's day to tell you about some of my special Daddy's! First the number one Daddy in my life......T!

While T can come off as being a hard gruff person, he truly is not. Especially when it comes to our kids. He is one of the most proud loving Daddys I know. He is not always quick with his praise for his kids but, it is not because he is not proud of them, it is just that he doesn't always know how to put into words, how he feels.

The joy on his face each time we found out we had another baby on the way is a picture I can see in my mind even today! The tender way he looked at each of them when they were born just took my breath away. It made me fall even more in love with him. I knew that I had not only picked the right person for me.......I had chosen the best Daddy for my kids.

When T gets a chance to spend some one on one time with the kids, it just brightens his day. Something as simple as going to get gun permits with Zachary or spending a long weekend at the beach with all of them, can just light up his world. When one of them comes to him just to talk he becomes a different person, he lights up and he is so thrilled that they needed him!

Tim is basically quiet and has a hard time expressing himself but, through his actions, his kids know just how much they are loved. He may huff and puff sometimes but, when it is all said and done......he loves those three kids more than they will ever know.

The other Daddy is my Daddy. After many years of not being a part of my life, my Daddy is once again a BIG part of my life. We almost lost my Daddy and I thank the Lord we didn't. Me, my brother and my sister were able to go visit him when he was sick and reconnect and establish a new relationship with him.

I have missed my Daddy through out the years but, now I have him again and I will not let him go. When my phone rings and the caller ID say Daddy......it just gives my heart a lift! I recently got the chance to go out to eat with him and my brother.(another special Daddy!) It was one of the best nights I have ever had. To be able to have two of the most important men in my life together with me, was more special than I can even begin to explain.

On this Fathers day, I have a sense of peace and contentment that I have not had in a very long time. I think it is because of the special Daddy's I have in my life. T, my brother and my Daddy. What more could I ask for?

Thoughts From The Twilight Zone

As I am preparing to go into surgery and enter the Twilight Zone, my thoughts are of my family and friends. I know that this is pretty much a routine surgery but, you know as well as I do that things can happen that we are not expecting.

So, to my family, I want you to know how much you mean to me. I tell you I love you all the time but, do you really know just how much. It is hard to explain the overwhelming feeling of love I have for you. If you ever wonder, just go back and read some of my blog post. I am so proud of my three kids. You have made my world so much brighter than I could have ever imagined. T, you are the love of my life, my best friend and my soul mate. To my daughter in law and my future daughter in law. I love you two more than you will ever know. You have made my two boys so happy and for that I will forever be thankful. To my unborn grand baby, I already love you and I don't even know if you are a girl or boy. It doesn't matter! You are already living in my heart.

To my brother and sister. You are my world. My life would not be complete without you. I am thankful every day for the closeness we have. To my Mama, I love you and I thank you for all they things that you have taught me. Thank you for keeping me in church for all those years. You knew where I needed to be. To my Daddy. I am so thankful and happy that you are back in my life. I am also thankful that you have brought Emily into my life. She is a gem and I am so glad you have each other. I love you Daddy.

To all my nieces and nephews.....I love you more than words can say. You have brought joy to my life and should always know that I am so proud of each and every one of you!

To my Mother in law Martha, thank you so much for being so much more than a mother in law. You have been a friend. You have supported us and loved us and you are special to me. To my father in law Jerry. Thank you for being who you are. You are always there when we need you and I know how much you love us.
To my many Aunts, Uncles and cousins. I love each and every one of you and I am so thankful that I am a part of such a big loving family!

To my many friends. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and your support. You have picked me up on days that I just knew I would never be able to get up again. I love each and every one of you!

If words are not enough, just look at the photos I have taken of you over the years. When I look through my camera lens, all I see is love. So, go back and look at those photos closely.......do you see what I saw? I hope so.

Now, I know that this seems kind of morbid and strange but, you just never know. I just don't want to leave this world without all of you knowing how much you mean to me. When I wake up from surgery and I am still here then, no problem. You know how I feel and you don't have to wait until I die to find out!

I will see you guys on the flip side......whether that is in Heaven or still walking this earth....it does not matter to me.....I am ready for either one!

The List

Everyone talks about having a Bucket List, especially since the Movie "The Bucket List" came out. After watching the movie, I don't like to call it a Bucket List. In the movie those guys called it that and they were dying. I will be honest.....I am not planning on dying just yet so, I am going to call mine. "The List of things I want to do after my surgery that I have not been able to do because I hurt too bad to do it!"  Too long isn't it? Hmmmmm.....I will just call it my "Dream List"!

My list has things on it that I used to be able to do but, because of my back problems I have not been able to do. It also has things on it that I have always wanted to do and couldn't because of my back or even my weight. All this is going to change once I heal and recover. Some of you may find my list boring or you will probably read it and say...."you have never done that?"  So, to answer your question ahead of time......no I have never done that obviously or it would not be on my list! Pay attention......this is things I have NEVER done or not been able to do in a while.

My Dream List

 1.  Go Canoeing
 2.  Ride a Hot Air Balloon
 3.  Go to Ship Wreck Island
 4.  Play Tennis (again)
 5.  Get a Motorcycle
 6.  Go Mudding (again)
 7.  Ride a 4 wheeler through the Woods
 8.  Go Fishing
 9.  Walk really fast for a long time (again)
10. Lay on the ground to take pictures
11. Paint pictures (again)
12. Take Dancing (again)
13. Dance at My Children's Weddings
14. Wear high heels (again)
15. climb stairs with ease (again)
14. Go Zip Lining
15. Climb a Rock Wall
16. Run (again)
17. Be able to play with my new Grand baby
18. Just simply wake up every day without pain.

This may not seem like much but, to me all of these things are big. I guess when you can't do these things they become really important again. I know that as I heal and get better, I will be adding to my list. Right now this is enough. I just want to live a real life once again.....one without hesitation, pain or fear. THAT is my dream!

My Pain Explained

As most of you probably already know, I am going on Wednesday to have back surgery. There have been a lot of questions and comments since the decision to have surgery was made. I am going to try to answer and explain what has lead me to this.

My problems with my back started when I was around seventeen years old. After many years of cheerleading, playing tennis and being an avid runner, my back started to suffer.And, yes, I used to be skinny enough to do all those things.....hard to believe, I know! Any way, I had problems off and on for years but, it was not until I was in my early twenties, that I was diagnosed with a degenerative bone disease. I was told then that I would eventually have to have surgery.

Over the years I would just have flair ups that were handled with anti-inflammatory medication and occasionally pain medication. The occasional episodes became more frequent but, were still manageable.  All of that changed three and half years ago when I was in a car accident and fractured my back in the same area that I already had problems with. This caused my spine to shift forward. I now have two vertebrae that are sitting on top of each other with no cushioning between them and my sciatic nerve is being crushed between them.

Now, I told you all of that so that you would understand the technical details. The physical and emotional details of living with this is just not so easy to explain.

For the last three and half years I have suffered with constant excruciating pain. Until the last few months, I have not talked about it, mentioned it or advertised it. Only my family and closest friends knew what I was going through and even then, I don't think they realized just how bad it was. That is just not my way. I keep things like this to myself and deal with it the best way I can.

I don't take pain medication because I don't want to go through life in a fog. I live with the pain by going to another place. Does that make sense? I learned years ago in Lamaze class, to concentrate on something else and not focus on the pain. This is what I do.

I had someone to accuse me of trying to be a Martyr! Really? That is how you see it? I don't see it that way. After growing up with a Mother who has Lupus, rheumatoid and various other illnesses, I have seen what something like this does to everyone in the household. This is not something I wanted for my kids. I wanted them to enjoy their childhood and I wanted to be right there with them, not laying in a bed while they were out living their lives.

Before anyone decides to run to my Mother and make something of the above statement that was not intended, I had a great childhood and I do not resent my Mother for being sick. It is what it is. While I was able to enjoy growing up, there has always been an underlying since of worry about my Mom. This worry has always hung over me like a dark cloud. I did not want that for my kids!

I have always lived my life running full speed ahead. I love to go and do and get there as fast as I can. The last few years, I have not been able to do that. 

I am not a whiner or complainer. The last few months, I feel like that is all I do and I hate it! I despise being weak and I hate the pain even more. There are so many things I want to do and can't. I hate that too.

This surgery is my lifeline. This is my hope for the future. I did not go into this lightly, I fought it as long as I could and still held out hope that there was something else that could be done. I cried and cried the day I was told that this surgery was my only option. Since then, I have researched and talked to others who have had this same surgery. I am confident in my doctor and I am at peace. I have turned this over to God and he will handle it all for me.

In three days I will have back surgery. I am going into it with hope, fear, excitement and peace. I will recover. I will be pain free. I will be able to once again take back my life. Not only will I take it back......I am going to run with it just as fast as I possibly can..........Who wants to run with me? Come on......I know you do......SO........Get Ready! I have places to go and lots of things to do and I am not waiting around for any slow pokes!

Look What We Did!

Look what Me and T did!

We made them! With God's help of course! We did it.....we molded them and raised them and most definitely put our mark on them! They are like taking T in one hand and me in the other and just squishing it all together!


And guess what? From them we got these!

Yep, we have the Fireman's wife and Big E's fiance and even though you can't see it yet......underneath that teeny tiny white dress........our first Grand Baby is growing! How exciting for us! Our family is growing by leaps and bounds!

It is just amazing to me that our lives have been so blessed. I am so excited about our future and all that it holds! But, right now, I am just enjoying the here and now which is...........


THIS!!!!!

The Fireman, Sweetie Pie, The Princess, Squirrel, Big E and our growing little Nugget!